June - Men’s Mental Health Month…..

Sometimes we carry weight so well that no one stops to ask if we're okay. It’s no ones fault and I’m not placing blame. It's just the way it is….

June is Men's Mental Health Month. Last year, I let a wonderful vacation become an excuse to not write about it. My thoughts stayed thoughts, but I cannot and will not do it this year.

Somewhere along the way to adulthood and fatherhood I thought my value was tied to how much I could endure without complaining.

I think about the things I didn’t often talk about: My stress. My fears. My hurt. My tears. My struggles. My battles. My failures. The weight of it all.

Not because I didn’t feel them or that they didn’t hurt, but I felt I had the responsibility to be the strong one….The provider, protector, problem solver.

The performer….

Eventually, I felt people became so accustomed to seeing me carry the load that they stop seeing the load itself. Because they didn’t or couldn't see it, stop truly seeing me.

The ‘load’ eventually turned into the depression no one saw.

Depression doesn't always look like sadness: Sometimes it looks like exhaustion. Sometimes it looks like anger. Sometimes it looks like isolation.

Sometimes it looks like a man sitting quietly in a room full of people, smiling and laughing while internally wondering how much longer he can keep pretending everything is okay.

I, along with many men often suffer in silence because we've been conditioned to believe that vulnerability is weakness. We tell ourselves we'll deal with it tomorrow. We convince ourselves that other people have bigger problems. We bury it under work, hobbies, alcohol, television, sex or simply staying busy.

And the world often rewards us for doing so, until it doesn’t.

As a married man, the struggle was even more complicated.

I worry about my family’s happiness and stability. Bills. Health. The future.

Sometimes I don't speak because I don’t want to burden my wife.

Sometimes I’m trying to protect her from one more thing to worry about.

Sometimes I’m silent because I’m not entirely sure my pain would be received with understanding.

Sometimes I feel like no matter what I say just won’t come out right.

Whether that fear is real or imagined, the result is often the same:

I kept carrying it alone.

Then as a Father, it too comes with a unique weight.

There’s loneliness in being needed.

It’s a feeling I experience as a father but rarely discuss:

The feeling of being appreciated for what I provide, but not always for who I am.

Sometimes it feels like I’m only "Dad" when something is needed.

Advice…

Money…

A ride…

A solution…

But when correction is required, when boundaries need to be set, when hard truths need to be spoken, suddenly I’m no longer the hero…I’m the obstacle.

And while I understand that's part of parenting, it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

Then one day you look around and realize your babies aren't babies anymore.

The little hands you once held now make decisions on their own.

As proud as you are, you realize the children you protected are stepping into a world that can be beautiful, cruel, inspiring, manipulative, and unforgiving all at once.

 You wonder: "Did I teach them enough?" "Did I prepare them?" "Will they be okay when I'm not there?"

Those questions don't always have answers, yet they’re stressed about everyday.

The Statistics Tell a Story: Men are 2 to 4 times more likely to die by suicide. Worldwide, men account for 80% of suicide deaths.

Not because men feel more pain, but often because we are less likely to seek help before that pain becomes unbearable.

Behind every statistic is a father, son, husband, brother and friend. A man who may have spent years convincing everyone around him, including himself, that he was fine.

When in reality, he felt rejected. Or disappointed. Taken for granted. And lonely.

Many times, we say none of this out loud.

We men have to learn how to exhibit strength in a different way:

Strength isn't carrying everything alone.

Strength is admitting when the weight is becoming too much.

Strength is talking to a friend.

Strength is seeing a therapist.

Strength is saying, "I'm not okay."

Even the strongest bridges require support and even need maintenance from time to time.

And the strongest men still need someone to ask:

"How are you REALLY doing?"

 And when asked, we have the responsibility to answer honestly.

To the men reading this…

You don’t have to wait until you're broken to ask for help.

Nor do you have to carry every burden by yourself.

And if nobody has asked lately:

“How are YOU doing?”

Not your job.

Not your finances.

Not your responsibilities.

Not even your wife and/or kids.

YOU.

 Because the weight you carry matters.

And so do you.